“Why don’t you come over to my place?” Stacy said.
It’s been three years. Three years of a distant but solid acquaintance. We were 12 when I first laid eyes on her. She is tall and lean, always poised and graceful. Her ballerina stance never seems to have left her. Freckles peppered her shoulders until the arch of her back, but her long wavy blonde hair draped gracefully across them. Her bangs hit just above her lethargic blue eyes, blue eyes that have a way of making you feel both calm but very vulnerable. And how could I even begin explaining her smile? When she smiles, her eyes squint a bit, her cheeks flush and her lips just curl a little bit — like a little girl with a secret. It makes me go crazy.
“Riley, let’s go through the back door,”
At first I did not understand why I was feeling this way towards her. We were never really formally introduced, but when I first laid eyes on her, I knew, just knew, that this girl was special from all the others. She had this way of calling my name, with a little twist in the first syllable, “Ryyyye-lee”, instead of the usual “Rye-lee.” But it’s not annoying. I actually find it cute, like her own little pet name for me. The first few times we got to talk, she caught me by surprise. Most girls would only be interested in Gossip Girl and shoes, but we talked about music. Real music, not tweeny-pop songs by Disney poster kids. She asked me if I played the guitar, which I did, and then she started going on about Led Zeppelin, The Cure.. ahh all those bands I adored! Turns out, we shared the same taste in music. For several more occasions, we talked about things boys and girls don’t usually discuss in school or wherever. Animal rights, environmental awareness, J.D. Salinger — these were the things that count! Soon, it all made sense to me: this girl is tugging the strings of my heart.
“I’m home!” Stacy called out, then looked at me and said, “Sorry the house’s a mess. I didn’t clean up because I didn’t expect you to come by today. It’s been a while since anyone came over actually,”
“It’s okay,” I said.
She never liked talking much about the past. She said there was no point because there is nothing that can be done about it. Well, she did not say that to me directly but I heard her telling it to a friend when I was eavesdropping on a conversation in the kitchen one time. In fact, we never got to talking about her past, especially her most recent break-up. The so-called love of her life walked out on her because “she just did not interest him anymore.” What a jerk. She could stir up the most vivid conversations with me and I would never get bored. I don’t get why people can just let girls like her go — are they stupid? If I had her for myself, I would try to always make her the happiest woman in the planet.
“It’s so hot! I want to go out for a swim, Rye! Don’t you?”
“Sure,”
“Let me just go change. I’ll call you out when I’m ready,”
I paced around the living room for a bit. These little sudden trips to their house are always a delight to me. The spontaneity of this friendship is what makes it all the more exciting for me. She is most beautiful to me when I see her at home, in her natural and ordinary ways. She doesn’t care if there are visitors or not, if there are people watching her every move, she is just herself all the time. I guess that makes it easy for me to always swing by their house often. I don’t ever feel like I’m not welcome. If anything, I almost feel like a part of their family, their home. Almost.
I accidentally take a peep at the window and catch a glimpse of her outside, basking in the sunshine’s wonderful glory. The rays hitting her perfectly chiseled face and her slender frame just makes me want to go out there and hold her.. and make her mine.
This was it. This was the moment. I knew I had to tell her someday, but I guess that day could be right now. I have nothing to lose. If I don’t go out there and tell her now, I might risk losing her forever.
*splash*
I slowly made my way to the back yard. She had this look on her face that was a little startled and confused. What, did she not expect me to come out and join her yet? I could hear my heartbeat in my ear, with each second it grows louder and louder as if to pressure me to make my move. I managed to put on a smile, but before I could begin talking, she wrapped herself in a towel and sat beside me.
“So, we haven’t talked for a while. How are you?” she asked me.
Oh God, that smile just sent a trillion synapses down my spine.
“Uhm, I-I-I’m good,” I stuttered.
“Good,” she said. “It’s been a while since you came here, I actually kind of missed you,”
I think I just died.
“Uhm,” I started. “There’s something I need to tell you..”
“What is it?”
“I—-“
This was it. Say it. Say it.
“I—-“
“Oh! There you are!” Stacy said as she walked out the door. “Sorry I didn’t tell you that Riley was coming over, Mom,”
“That’s okay,” she said. She stood up and started walking towards the house. “I’ll leave you two kids alone now,”
Then she winked at us.
Stacy giggled.
Stacy can’t you see, you’re just not the girl for me?
He said I love you
She looked away
He said I need you
She met his gaze
He said I want you
She couldn’t say
the same
So she ran away
Is this the greatest story ever told?
It breaks your heart
Oh doesn’t it break your heart?
So why is this the greatest story ever told?
Because it happened to me
and it happened to you
And we all wish it didn’t
But that’s the best we can get
for trying to tell the greatest story ever told
You say you love me
I’ve had enough
You say you need me
I had it rough
You say I want me
Oh I’ll be tough
I will be
and walk away
Is this the greatest story ever told?
It breaks your heart
Oh doesn’t it break your heart?
So why is this the greatest story ever told?
Because it happened to me
and after it did
I came out better than before
But that’s the lesson I learned
from the greatest story ever told
The greatest story ever told
It breaks your heart
That all you wanted was to hold, hold her
and make it the greatest story ever told
But then she walked away
and ripped your heart everyday
And you learned to brave the cold
This is the greatest story ever told
“And by the way, everything in life is writable if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy of creativity is self-doubt.” — Syliva Plath
She looked into his eyes. Oh how vulnerable he made her feel. She can feel the sweat trickling down her back. She has practiced this a dozen of times in front of the mirror and yet her mind is a complete vacuum. Where are the words? Where?
“Are you alright?” he asks.
She nods.
His gaze pierces right through her. The first time he acknowledged her was one sunny afternoon while she was buying a drink for herself. He looked her way and smiled. That little smile of his that said, “Hey I’ve seen you from somewhere.” Then he talked to her, and told her she was his classmate in History. Her heart skipped a beat with the satisfaction of knowing that he is aware of her existence. The same blissful anxiety crept all over her. Except now, they knew everything about each other. All but a tiny little detail.
“I’m scared,” she finally blurts out.
“Of what?”
“Of this.”
“This?”
This is getting frustrating. She wanted to run away, but she needs to stay. She wanted to let go of his hand, but she needs nothing more than the touch of his fingers on hers. Why can’t he just get it?
“I..”
“What?”
She shut her mouth. She hesitated. Maybe next time.
“Nothing,”
He went on eating.
This is strange. Usually he presses her for details. He is interested in everything she has to say or thinks — he will not stop bugging her until she spills the beans. So what is wrong? Well.. maybe that’s a blessing in disguise. She thinks she’s not ready to tell him anyway.
“I..” she tries to continue again.
Why cant you just say it to get it over with?
Then the music starts to play.
Do you want to be my one and only love?
Her latest favorite song. It’s been on repeat for the last two days. What are the odds that this pizza parlor plays indie alternative songs? He looks into his eyes. His gaze once again piercing through her. Those eyes burn a hole in her heart. And with one word, just one word, everything just fell away.
“Yes.”
I open my eyes and I can hear you calling out my name. In the darkness, your voice resonates. Where are you? I try to follow the sound but the blackness never ends. I start to gasp for air, it starts to get hot and confined. Where am I? I don’t know how I got into this place but I know you need me. You need me to save you.
Until I saw the light.
I can hear your voice still but it was slowly fading, fading, fading as I followed the light. I wanted to come back for you. I wanted to save you. But you stopped calling my name. You were saying another name. It was as if you gave up on seeking for me. So I followed the light.
The light brought everything I never had in that closeted little space. Air, brightness, hope. I felt alive.
But why do I still hear your voice when I close my eyes?
(written in Dec 08)